I must warn you before you continue reading, this post is not warm and fuzzy. This post is difficult to read. This post will show you the realities of loss after adoption. Please stop reading if you’re
not interested or not ready to read further.
Since my last narrative, things have drastically changed. If you recall, I was informed that my husband and I were expecting twins through embryo adoption. This is no longer the case. We
lost one of the twins at eight weeks and two days. The heartbeat stopped and the growth of the baby ceased. We had a horrible sonographer that was insensitive and quite frankly, rude, the day we found out! Crying on the table, grasping my husband’s hand, I was instructed to “stop crying so she could get a heart rate on baby B”. Who was this woman telling me what to do after she just told me I would miscarry one of my babies!? Needless to say, I reported her and in turn received the silent treatment from her on my following ultrasound. I have really considered switching clinics after that traumatic experience. As of today, I have not. I’m going to give it one more time before I make a decision.
The real matter I want to address is the depression and anxiety a woman can face after finally getting a positive pregnancy test. No one tells you about this part. According to Cope.org.au “IVF can increase the rates of depression, anxiety and stress”. I would assume this is the case no matter where you are in the IVF process. I’m currently in the thick of all three.
Why am I not happy? Why I am not connected to this child? Why
can’t I just birth this child already and move on with my life? I should feel all the happiness majority of women feel while pregnant. I should be celebrating the fact that my 3rd adopted embryo transfer worked. I should be relieved that this baby is growing and is chromosomally normal. I know I should feel these things but the truth is, I don’t. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for over two years, and during that time we always had the next hurdle the next step to look forward to in order to provide motivation to keep moving forward. Now what? What is my next step? It’s like I don’t know what to do next or what to work on next. We’ve always had a next step or goal to work towards and now we just sit and wait? Cue the negative thoughts, fears, worries, anxieties you ever had about having a kid and they all coming rushing in like a tsunami without warning. It’s terrifying.
According to Americanpregnancy.org, I’m not alone as up to “23% of women experience depression while pregnant and even high rates of women who conceived through IVF. Furthermore, the website details triggers for this depression. These include “personal history of depression or anxiety, infertility treatments, previous pregnancy loss, stressful life events” just to name a few. Turns out I have all of those!
So knowing all this, what am I going to do about it!? Step number one was to recognize that I am experiencing these things and I’m seeking help. I see a therapist weekly and have since reached out to my OB/GYN for additional resources so that I can get ahead of this before it exacerbates itself even further. I’m looking into adding an exercise program to aid in this process. What I’ve learned is that once you get what you want- i.e. getting pregnant, getting matched, receiving your first foster placement etc., it’s not over.
You can’t simply exhale and say “we did it”! The new mountain presents itself. A new set of setbacks arise. The key is recognizing them and putting forth an action plan on how to not only survive the hills and valleys, but to concur them.
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